Why did Beyoncé wish Mike Myers a happy birthday
An investigation
The following Beyoncé investigation has been living in my head rent free for a good two years at this point, so enjoy this medium-deep dive.
(Or if you’re just here for the internet stuff, scroll to the bottom!)
The who’s and them’s of Beyoncé’s happy birthday posts
If you’ve ever perused beyonce.com (I actually recommend you do not, the UX is terrible) you probably know that aside from being extremely good at everything, Beyoncé has become known for her regular “Happy Birthday” posts.
They’re pretty straightforward: All caps text that say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ____” and a childhood photo of said celebrity/friend/etc.
But, I am begging someone, anyone, (maybe myself if I find the time) to do a comprehensive data breakdown on who Beyoncé says happy birthday to. Because I literally do not understand how she decides who warrants one of these posts.
Ok, let’s start off with a few that actually make sense:
Malcolm X: One of the greatest civil rights activists of all time; likely someone that’s inspired Beyoncé’s own activism; generally the GOAT. Bey also sampled one of his speeches in “Don’t Hurt Yourself” on Lemonade.
Halle Bailey: Halle and her sister are signed to Beyoncé's record label, Parkwood Entertainment, and they opened the On the Run Tour II in 2018. They’re friends, it’s cool.
Chris Martin: I don’t love this one, but they did perform at the Super Bowl together in 2016. And Bey and Jay-Z’s song is “Yellow,” so eh yeah that makes sense I guess.
Ok but here are a few that I have questions about:
Kelly Clarkson: Yes she is huge in the music industry, but since when do she and Beyoncé even operate on the same plane of existence?? Do they hang out? Do they swap… idk singing tips or something?
Steph Curry: I know Bey and Jay are avid basketball fans, and Steph is one of the greatest players in the NBA, but… how does she decide the cut-off? She said happy birthday to Lebron too, but would she say happy birthday to, say… Russell Westbrook? Giannis? KD? How good of a basketball player do you have to be to get a Beyoncé birthday post?
Mike Myers: This whole investigation of mine really popped off when Beyoncé posted this on Tuesday. She and Mike starred in “Austin Powers in Goldmember” together, but that was… almost 20 years ago? In what capacity do they keep in touch? What do they talk about? Did Beyoncé enjoy Mike’s performance in the “Shrek” franchise? I need answers.
I would go deeper into this, but as I said, beyonce.com is so hard to navigate; I spent a good 10 minutes scrolling, and I still didn’t get past posts from January 2021. beyonce.com webmaster, if you’re reading this, please make the photos smaller, or add a search function, or more comprehensive tags, or something. Please!
Adrian’s kickback
Read Taylor Lorenz’s full write-up here. But the tl;dr is that some random teenager in Los Angeles made a flyer and a TikTok telling his friends about his upcoming birthday party. The TikTok accidentally went viral and thousands of people showed up to the event (some flying in from across the country), resulting in a good 150 arrests when crowds got too rowdy. Adrian himself tried his best to get things under control, but the kickback took on a life of its own (“My parents don’t know and they’re going to find out,” he said, “so, Mom and Dad, I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do.).
That’s cringe
From side parts to skinny jeans to the word “adulting”: In this maybe recurring segment, I’ll explain to you the latest thing that Gen Z hates:
This week: posting on Instagram.
Once again, I forgot to save the original TikTok about this, so for like one minute please put aside your journalistic integrity and believe this bold unsupported claim I’m making.
Not to make this literally just a Taylor Lorenz recap newsletter, but as tangential supporting evidence, the internet expert herself seems to also believe that people rarely scroll through their Instagram feeds at all.
I think that IG stories are still here to stay, but long gone are the days of finding “insta-worthy” spots, spending hours choosing between filters and making elaborate posts.