I am BACK from a week off!! A lot happened last week, but I was blissfully offline, so sorry if you need guidance on… idk whatever was going on then. I’ve got nothing.
Beyoncé’s Virgo Yearbook
In honor of her own birthday season, Beyoncé published a Virgo Yearbook on beyonce.com, which I’ll gracefully link for you right here since navigating the website as a whole is such a goddamn ordeal. She shouts out some iconic Virgos, like director Ava DuVernay, legendary singers Amy Winehouse and Gloria Estefan, and gives a special spot to the late Kobe Bryant. But similar to my last perusal on beyonce.com, I have some questions.
Why did she give a spot to Adam Sandler? They’ve never acted in anything together, never cohosted anything, even upon a quick Google search, I can’t find any pictures of them together. If anything, I’d say Adam Sandler’s enduring normalcy is the complete antithesis to everything Beyonce has ever been and stood for.
Mother Teresa is of course, Mother Teresa. A certified Them throughout the world and history as a whole. But as a Virgo, and in the world of Beyoncé… Mother who? I’m not mad about this but just, ya know, have questions.
My baby boy…. light of my life… Jeon Jung-kook AKA the golden maknae of BTS, was I pleasantly surprised to see him!! Honestly, game recognize game, I love this for both Bey and JK even if it was random.
And one glaring omission: Michael Jackson, whose birthday is August 29. She may have left him off due to renewed interest in the pop singer’s questionable past, but she has publicly named him as a source of inspiration on many an occasion. And like think about it: Beyoncé gave a shoutout to Nick Jonas, but not Michael Jackson?? Something doesn’t add up.
“You don’t have the cholesterol to be out here”
In hot sports gossip this week: Sonya Curry has filed for divorce from Dell Curry (parents of NBA superstar Steph Curry) after 33 years of marriage. I’ve seen rumors floating around that Dell cheated, which I don’t know if are true, but I do think it’s worth noting two things:
Sonya Curry is literally the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen OH MY GOD just look at her wow!!
Below is the greatest Twitter thread of all time, please read it
This is gospel. This is the God’s word. Put this in every text book in America.
I ran a full ass dating column in a major metro newspaper for a year, and I didn’t even come CLOSE to summing up the present dating scene as detailedly and eloquently as this man has.
Tag yourself, I’m:
I’m crying.
The milk crate challenge
You may have woken up today and thought to yourself, “What kind of dumb stuff are people doing on the internet right now?” And do I have an answer for you!
The internet’s latest craze is the milk crate challenge, which involves stacking several plastic milk crates in a pyramid and attempting to climb over them without falling. It’s hard. I also don’t know where everyone is getting these milk crates.
And yup, that’s about it! Why is it so popular? Maybe because it presents the opportunity to show off your physical abilities. Or maybe because it’s given us a tidal wave of the internet’s most coveted content: videos of people falling and looking dumb.
TikTok has already banned the challenge because of how dangerous it is. (Why are so many people doing this on concrete surfaces too???) And just like yeah, we’re still in the midst of a pandemic?? Stop getting sent to the hospital because you’re looking for internet clout!!
Speaking of milk
The internet’s newest hot girl food is…. whole milk?
Apparently after years of alt-milks taking the coffee and grocery scene by storm, real milk is back, and with a vengeance.
But here’s the thing, my galaxy brain conspiracy is that… this is a lie. This is a set up from Big Milk to make us think that milk is cool again. I agree that dairy is delicious, but I have not heard a SINGLE person in real life say anything about bringing back regular milk. Maybe Seattle’s behind on the times, but I just… don’t believe this for one second.
The attached Grubstreet article has a quote saying, “With so many people claiming that alt milks are a path to dietary nirvana, [Brooklyn cheese store manager Caroline] Hesse posits that ordering “real” dairy milk has become an act of quiet rebellion.”
And to that I say… what in the corporate idgaf about global warming bs is that?? White people love to call perfectly normal human behaviors “rebellion.”
Yeah alt-milks have their baggage, but it’s an undeniable fact that dairy is still the most widely problematic industry amongst popular beverages. This is a lie. This is a scam. Whoever is behind this probably also planted the idea for the milk crate challenge.
Is crying on live the new horny on main?
The answer is no, but they’re somewhat related.
First off, check out this story from the LA Times: Why are all of the celebrities crying on Instagram Live?
I was going to write a whole thing about how true online vulnerability is impossible due to the ever looming knowledge that you have an audience and the subconscious impulse to perform. I was also going to talk about how in 2021, we’ve come to learn that from our emotions to movements to thoughts, the internet can and will commodify every aspect of our lives, and therefore has instilled a level of skepticism aimed at any attempt of authenticity online.
But as with many internet topics I attempt to write about, it filled me with too much existential dread! So maybe one day I’ll build up the energy to talk more about it.
Let’s end on a more fun note, sorry
Look at this hilarious thing that Blake Lively posted on her ig story earlier this week.
I don’t entirely know where to begin because EVERYTHING about this post is truly buckwild. I did not have “Blake Lively posting her Harry Potter AU where the Nazi metaphor character is pals with everyone again on main” listed on my 2021 bingo card. I think her replacing the o’s in “shook” with heart emojis really broke me. Why. WHY. WHY??