Lots of fun internet reminiscing this week, plus a surprise guest spot at the end. Let’s go people!
[Gabe Gundacker] is the mindkiller
I’ve been trying to tweet less in recent months, but, if I’m going to tweet about anything, it’s either going to be about David Fincher’s 2010 “The Social Network” or “Zendaya is Meechee.”
From the mind of Gabe “Wii Sports music guy” Gundacker, “Zendaya is Meechee” is a true internet gem, an absurdist musical venture vastly ahead of its time.
In the video, Gundacker performs a ballad honoring Warner Brothers’ mid-budget animated movie, “Smallfoot,” with the intention of reminding us all that Zendaya! Is! Meechee! I don’t know anyone that has seen “Smallfoot,” I don’t think anyone should watch “Smallfoot,” but I have told every single person in my life to watch “Zendaya is Meechee.”
But anyways, new posters for Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune” just dropped and, I’m feeling like some sort of sequel is in order.
Zendaya! Is! Chani!!!
New man to hate just dropped
I’ve previously mentioned that one of TikTok’s favorite pastimes is choosing a man — e.g. Lin-Manuel Miranda, Matthew Morrison, Ed Sheeran — and bullying him into oblivion. I’d like to expand upon that and say this isn’t a death threat/violent sort of bullying, but rather a “let’s pick apart every aspect of your appearance, personality and actions, and detailly describe why it’s cringey” sort of bullying which I’d say… is arguably worse.
Now, TikTok’s latest bullying campaign isn’t exactly the same as those scenarios, but there’s a new target, and it’s Greta Van Fleet.
For the uninitiated, Greta Van Fleet is a rock band formed in 2012, that built a sort of cult following, despite the facts that Pitchfork rated their debut album a depressing 1.6/10 and they’re frequently accused of knocking off Led Zeppelin’s signature sound. (Also note they’re not to be confused with the Toronto Raptors point guard who randomly has a very similar name.)
OK, so what does this have to do with TikTok? Well, for whatever reason, their 2019 SNL performance has resurfaced on the app and people have… thoughts.
Initially some casual viewers thought their performance was a bad sketch with Pete Davidson in a wig, pretending to be some sort of poser rocker. But quickly people started to realize, “Wait…. this is a real performance?? This is a real band???”
In particular TikTokers are spearing this moment at 2:52, making shot-by-shot recreations of lead singer Josh Kiszka’s (wow of course his name is Josh) bizarre movements, breaking things down with cue cards and generally just being like, OK what is going on here.
As I’ve said in this newsletter before, I do not condone cyberbullying. But also…. lol.
Olympics anti-sex beds are a myth
The Olympics are starting today, and have somehow already kicked off to a bad start. From COVID outbreaks in Tokyo, to several officials having to step down, to racist/sexist/wtf policies that have prohibited multiple women from competing, the 2021 Summer Olympics are cursed, CURSED I tell you!!
Recently, news has been trickling out about the Olympic Village, the space for housing all visiting athletes. And in particular one rumor has caught on: that Tokyo is fitting all rooms with cardboard beds as a way to stop athletes from *ahem* fraternizing a little too close with one another.
Turns out it’s actually not true at all (the cardboard was a sustainability choice, as the bed frames will likely all be thrown out after the games are over). And has in fact been debunked by multiple athletes proving that the beds are actually quite sturdy!
The internet’s pizza
Welcome to the recurring segment, “Old internet things that I think about at least once a month.”
Today I’m thinking about the 21st century’s most vile food creation. The biggest culinary crime to hit the internet, long before it was en vogue to make nasty food hacks.
Yes, I’m talking about none pizza with left beef.
As a fun experiment/attempt to act as God, TV producer Steve Molaro decided to test the limits of the Domino’s online ordering system, asking for zero toppings (including sauce and cheese) aside from a normal amount of beef on the left side of the pizza, hence, “none pizza with left beef.”
And just like…. look at it. I think I laughed at this photo for a full two days after I first saw it.
(For posterity, I’ll note that this meme was a HUGE part of Tumblr’s canon, but alas it did not actually originate on Tumblr.)
The puffy golden crust, with sporadically scattered “pellets” of beef. The fact that they didn’t even bother trying to cut this thing in to the standard eight slices, they just gave up after four, kills me.
This pizza feels illegal. This pizza feels like it requires a new set of laws to deem it as being a menace to society. I will create some sort of new Hammurabi’s Code just to sentence this pizza to prison.
Trigger Warning: Cursed Sn*pch*t from Sc**t Gr**nst*ne
Before scrolling any further, read this lil writeup I did about the Backyardigans song “Castaways.”
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